hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
