Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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