Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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