Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
