I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
