So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
