dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He has the fingertips of a God
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