where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
