get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm too high and old for this...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
