People in love make me want to vomit
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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