i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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