Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
