I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
