at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Randomize
