I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
