I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
