I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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