If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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