I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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