To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
