I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
