she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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