I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
