Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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