She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
