John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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