he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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