You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
