i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I skipped work to stalk him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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