I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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