My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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