Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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