He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
