what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
