don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
