You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
