we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
