my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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