Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
