Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
