i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sponge bath it is.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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