Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
