i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
