I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you had me at cake vodka
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I wear drunk well.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
