Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
