i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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