On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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