yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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