I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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