Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
