i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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