Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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