you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
